My ability to create comes from a solid spiritual, physical, and mental foundation. My best work comes when I’ve worked on myself first.
From a young age I felt the need to escape my emotions constantly. From struggles within my family as well as my own internal battles. I quickly found I needed a medium to release pent up feelings. Singing was my first love. I’d get in the shower and rack up an insane water bill just practicing. Releasing. I felt safe as though no one was listening when I was there.
It wasn’t long before my thoughts and emotions became intensified however. So much to the point that I needed new solutions. So I turned to drugs. In a desperate attempt to feel comfortable at all times. With the entitled notion that I deserved to be happy constantly. I found drugs helped create a world I didn’t want to escape from. At least for a moment. When even that wasn’t enough I picked up a guitar. I soon became addicted to the feelings which arose from creating. I worked every day, sometimes 8 hours at a time.
My drug addiction was getting worse however. I was miserable. Using constantly and excessively, I couldn’t handle anything. I couldn’t walk any path I was metaphorically shown, as I could hardly think. I wasn’t going anywhere with life. I was letting it toss me around. Going wherever the wind blew me. No proactivity. No ownership. And losing drive. I hated the idea of the rat race. But unable to move myself anywhere I cared for, I ended up in college with a bad addiction.
Instead of going to class I’d bleed on my guitar. Like my drug use I played excessively, to the point where new lows were reached weekly. I would hardly sleep, I’d just play, sing, and create on my computer. Expectedly. I dropped out. I moved home and continued to use. Now more unhappy than ever and intensely aware of it. I used harder. I always needed more. What I had was never enough, but what I was about to get seemed to be the answer. What I would have later would be enough. What I have now won’t do. I was living without gratitude, without foresight, and without mindfulness. I was living for the next fix. And that’s it.
In yet another attempt to escape the world in which I walked, I decided to travel the United States with my music. Visiting 44 states I saw plenty. Yet I played nothing. No shows. Hardly practicing. I was lost. With my entire being hitched on my ability to create, I felt as though I had failed my higher purpose. I finally went to rehab. Playing 8 hours a day on average I found my voice again. I wrote a million and one songs about all the emotions I had been unable to release for the past many years.
Now sober and content I’m walking through life with a newfound confidence. I’ve released an album recently and I have 2 more singles on the way. My purpose is bigger than me and it always has been. It’s hard to see the picture when you're standing in the frame. Hard to know your music when you don’t know yourself. And impossible to move when your mind weighs more than the world you live in.